It is possible to love more than one person

Magdalena Fosse is a psychologist, certified sex therapist, couples counselor, consultant, and psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy provider. She is the current president of the New England Psychodynamic Couples and Families Institute (PCFINE) and the author of The Many Faces of Polyamory and other publications on polyamory.

Mark Matuszek: You say that the society we live in is losing faith in monogamy and that there is a conflict between monogamy and alternative lifestyles. Why do you think this conflict exists? And why is our faith in monogamy waning?

Magdalena Voss: That’s a very deep question. This type of conflict often appears when something new, controversial, or non-normative is presented. Humans tend to react with skepticism, negativity, and dismissal when unfamiliar relational perspectives first appear.

We humans tend to fall into dualistic thinking. However, from a non-dual perspective that emphasizes the interconnectedness of all things, non-monogamy is not necessarily the opposite of monogamy. These relational choices exist on a continuum. Disillusionment with monogamy is related to our idealized version of monogamy, where one partner is thought to be everything to the other. This is very difficult, if not impossible, to achieve.

Although our sexuality is rooted in biology, its expression is neither static nor crystallized. It depends on the era, era and where we live. Sometimes our sexuality is suppressed and vice versa. In modern culture, sex is everywhere. It’s almost inevitable. Porn is available 24/7. With all the messages about the importance of sexual satisfaction, many people question monogamy as a restriction on the free expression of sexuality. Non-monogamy opens up the possibility of sexual satisfaction with many partners, and polyamory takes it a step further, opening the door to simultaneous romantic relationships. Polyamory recognizes that it is possible to love more than one person.

MM: Do you consider infidelity to be part of non-monogamy, or is it completely separate?

MF: Oh, that’s a great question too. First, let’s consider the dramatically increased lifespan. A century ago, people lived 30 to 50 years less than they do today. With the prospect of us living into the 80s or 90s, the traditional model of lifelong monogamy becomes increasingly difficult.

As people get older, or after years of being in a sexually monogamous relationship, even if it’s a mostly satisfying relationship, they wonder, “Is this going to be my only sexual experience?” ?” I often wonder. This reflects deeper anxieties, such as the fear of death and the fear of missing out on life’s possibilities. When people step into sexual sin, is it because of a desire for non-monogamy, or because of something more existential?

This relates directly to conversations about infidelity. Historically, monogamy hasn’t been as strict as we might imagine. To understand what I mean, it helps to distinguish between sexual monogamy and social monogamy. Even in the animal kingdom, what appears to be monogamy is often not so simple. Biologists and zoologists have discovered that many species we once thought of as paragons of fidelity, like swans, form socially monogamous rather than strictly sexual bonds. I discovered that it does. What this actually means is that swans stray when the opportunity arises, but go to great lengths to keep it a secret.

MM: Do swans fly around too?

MF: (laughs) Yes.

MM: What does this have to do with psychological shadows? Is sexuality a playground where hidden parts of ourselves that we hide out of shame, guilt, and fear are allowed a place of indulgence and expression?

MF: Oh, completely. Consider cross-dressing as an example. When a man cross-dresses, it often raises deeper questions about his gender, sexual identity, and sexual orientation. Unlike women, who can wear traditionally masculine clothing without provoking social scrutiny, men who wear feminine clothing may be more concerned about underlying motivations or less integrated aspects of the self. It often raises questions.

The discovery of cross-dressing, or the desire to cross-dress, can trigger deep personal and relational explorations of “Who am I?” Who is my partner? What does this mean for me and us? In this context, shadows are not simply about clothing, but refer to unexplored and often vulnerable aspects of human experience that are hidden and buried in the unconscious.

MM: I recently worked with a man who likes cross-dressing. When he told his wife about it, she said it was fine, but that she was not attracted to women and that he should do it himself. Eventually, they broke up and he now has a partner who is more comfortable with everything.

MF: This is a perfect example of integration going in two different directions. Shadows exposed to light can heal people, but they can also destroy relationships. Alternatively, the bonds of the relationship may be strengthened when the shadow side is accepted and accepted. In the latter case, the shadow is integrated both spiritually and relationally.

MM: You write about different aspects and meanings of orgasm. Of course, in French we call this “le petit mort”, or little death. Can you say something more about that?

MF: We can take this concept or experience at face value, but the moment we engage with it seriously, we can begin to question what orgasm means to us. How does it feel to experience it in its fully embodied form? How does it feel when you’re having sex and having an orgasm, but you’re not fully orgasming? Orgasms can do a lot of different things. represents. It can mean being in control or being out of control. In unwanted sexual situations, a person may feel betrayed by their body and the presence of arousal and orgasm. These examples are often related to experiences of sexual trauma.

Orgasm may be sought after as a sleep aid or stress reliever. It may be the experience of the greatest love fusion with the other person. It can be a source of deep joy, or it can be a surrender to internal or external pressures. An example of internal pressure is when a person feels that orgasm is the only way to communicate interest or satisfaction to their partner.

In these cases, it is often difficult to reach climax, so some people choose to fake an orgasm. Alternatively, there is an expectation that sex with a partner requires orgasm to occur at the same time. Additionally, women or people who identify as women may feel pressure to experience multiple orgasms. Men or people who identify as men suffer less from this type of pressure because they have a refractory period after climax.

MM: Some people experience it as a loss of life force, a loss of autonomy in a sense, I understand.

MF: Yes. Earlier we talked about the relationship between orgasm and trauma. Seen from another angle, the French expression “la petite mort” conveys that orgasm may be a moment of transcendence, but it also means a momentary loss of self, a proverbial little death. Sometimes I do. Digging deeper into the medical field, there are examples of people actually losing physical vitality as a result of orgasm. This happens in people whose climax triggers a migraine attack. Fortunately, such cases are rare, but they do exist. In certain tantric practices, people intentionally avoid climax in order to keep their life energy high.

MM: Aren’t all orgasms created equal?

MF: Absolutely not. Orgasms are rarely the same. Its meaning and subjective experience depend precisely on the context.

MM: What specifically did you learn about human nature by working on polyamory and non-monogamy? How did it open your eyes to the diversity, perversions, and longings of human nature?

MF: I love this question. What I learned is that humans are fundamentally shape-shifting creatures. It is in our nature to be shapeshifters. We like to believe we’re consistent, but our relationship orientations and preferences are much more fluid than we realize. The same person may be happily monogamous at one stage in their life, but as their circumstances change, they may gravitate towards a different relationship structure – non-monogamy.

When people declare “this is my identity,” whether it’s monogamy or polyamory, I think it’s important to listen and remain open to potential changes in their perspective. Know what’s important. Our path may not be as fixed as we would like. People who identify as monogamous may be asked to form polyamorous relationships, and vice versa. There is nothing wrong with that change. It reflects the changing circumstances that influence an individual’s relationship choices. Relationships are living, breathing entities that change just as individuals change. Rigidity serves no one. Flexibility and self-compassion are the keys to understanding the beautiful complexity of human relationships.