My wife Carol and I were driving from Cincinnati, Ohio to Hartford, Connecticut in a rented U-Haul. My 14-month-old daughter Sophie was sitting in the car seat between us. I had just graduated from medical school and we were moving east as I was about to begin my psychiatry residency at the University of Connecticut Living Institute. The drive was about 14 hours and to keep Sophie entertained we offered her some lollipops.
Carol disputed that number and said it was only one, but after eating five lollipops, we still weren’t out of Ohio. Concerned about my daughter’s dental hygiene, I told Sophie no more lollipops. Sophie looked at me, then at her mother, then picked up the lollipop, unwrapped it, covered her eyes with her left hand, and put the lollipop into her mouth with her right.
As she sat between us, what was going on in her amazingly developing mind?
Carol understood immediately. If Sophie can’t see us, we can’t see her. Once we were out of her sight, she could eat the lollipop. At 14 months old, Sophie had not yet developed theory of mind or the ability to understand other people’s perspectives. Sophie continued to eat the candy.
Those of us working in the fields of psychiatry and neuroscience know that most children experience a progression toward a developmental milestone called theory of mind (ToM). At around 18 months of age, infants begin to make “ah!” sounds. This is the moment when your brain matures enough to recognize and understand that other people have a point of view. But they still have to speculate and theorize. In order to survive, it is important to guess as accurately as possible what the other person is thinking and feeling. Because we can’t see into other people’s minds, we’ve evolved brain tools to help us do just that: Theory of mind is the root of empathy.
Sophie’s actions showed empathy. I just told her, “No more lollipops.” She knew exactly what I wanted from her. So I had to disappear. If she can’t see me, I can’t see her. Her empathy developed in conjunction with an even earlier and perhaps the very beginning of theory of mind. Sophie knew we had her perspective, even if she couldn’t understand ours. She would rather hide and eat the lollipop than comply with her father’s unreasonable demands.
she covered her eyes.
I couldn’t see my father and mother.
And Sophie could eat the lollipop in peace.
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Empathy is a built-in function of the brain that we usually take for granted.
For example, let’s say you see a woman standing on the corner waiting for a taxi. If it’s a cold rainy night, you can imagine how frustrated she must be because the passing taxi already has passengers in it.
Let’s go one step further in this scenario.
A man can be seen moving a few feet in front of the woman, positioning herself near oncoming traffic and holding out his hand for a taxi. You can easily imagine how this behavior affects a woman’s brain and emotions. This stranger is actively competing with her for a limited resource (a taxi) and trying to increase his own value at her expense.
You used your theory of mind to act out and imagine that entire scenario.
(Wouldn’t it be nice if the men actually caught a cab and offered it to the women? OK, I believe in our species!)
As social creatures, ToM is a tool in our brains that we use to coordinate and get along with other humans around the world. Use ToM when:
I wonder if someone likes us or hates us. I wonder if someone is mad at us. We wonder if we are admired, envied, despised, or loved.
We “theorize” about waitresses serving our food if we take too long to order, about doctors who take too long to get back to their exam rooms, or about who we want picked up. . I called to ask you out on a first date. If you’ve ever wondered about something like this, congratulations! Your ToM is working properly.
theory of mind essentials
Take a moment and think about the countless ways you have used ToM today. It’s always great to reflect after reflection.
But if you’re doing it, everyone else is doing it too. Everyone cares about what other people are thinking and feeling, especially about themselves.
In short, do they see me as valuable, do you see me as valuable?
Common topics.
We all want the same thing, and ToM is a brain tool used to assess that.
Once you understand the power of ToM, you can use it to help others simply by reminding them of its value.
They are interested in what you think and feel about them.
This is the power of respect, an action designed to change emotions.
Respect leads to value, and value leads to trust.
Trust that you are not trying to increase your value by lowering mine.
Trust allows people, groups, and entire countries to empathize, share perspectives, and explore differences and similarities, needs, and ways to work together to meet them.
And enjoy another lollipop without worrying that you’re doing something wrong through someone else’s eyes.