2 masks.
Source: Freepik/Freepik
Do you always say “It’s okay”? Are you pushing yourself to become “stronger”?
And have you ever wondered why relationships seem so difficult? Not just romantic ones, but friendships, work relationships, and even casual conversations?
For years I’ve had this nagging question. “What’s wrong with me?” I longed for intimacy, but there was a part of me that held back, waiting for a crack to occur.
And made sure I looked “fine.”
weight of children’s mask
My parents tried their best to take care of me, but they too were struggling. They were fighting battles they didn’t even know how to name: unprocessed grief, deep trauma from their own childhood, depression, and anxiety.
They didn’t know how to deal with these traumas. They didn’t know how to name themselves. Instead, they wore masks. Her smile was a little too tight. There was a sense of relief in their voices that matched the barely hidden nervousness.
Everything was fine except it wasn’t.
And somehow, whenever I wasn’t completely “well,” I was contributing to that lack of energy.
So, I also learned to mask up.
I’ve learned to pretend everything is fine and hide my worries so as not to worry them even more. I’ve learned to keep my needs small, be quiet, and be “strong.”
But the truth is, being “strong” was exhausting.
I spent so much energy trying to protect my parents, to support them emotionally, that I didn’t have the space to figure out how to take care of myself.
But I learned to hide. To stay “healthy” at all times. And it helped me survive back then. Connections have also become difficult. More scary. Because being authentic never felt safe, even though I craved it. Wearing a mask can temporarily keep you safe, but it also keeps people at arm’s length. It can also prevent us from knowing ourselves.
How childhood masking shapes adult relationships
Hiding your emotions and trying to fit in is strongly associated with neurodivergence, but neurotypical people use masking as well. In my family’s case, there may have been both neurodivergent masking and neurotypical masking. Research shows that children of parents who hide their emotions often internalize that pattern. Instead of learning that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or afraid, we learn to hide. Over time, this suppressed emotion can lead to anxiety and depression, making it difficult to form genuine relationships. Including your relationship with yourself.
Children sense when parents are struggling with their own pain, even if they are trying to protect their children from it. As a result, many of us grow up learning:
Suppressing our emotions: We hide our emotions to avoid adding more stress to our parents. Observe the room constantly. We are very alert to mood changes and look for signs of tension or trouble. Downsize yourself: We learn to keep our needs small and manageable, believing that “too much” can overwhelm others.
These habits often continue into adulthood and shape how we interact with others. Masking may feel like a survival skill, but it comes at a price.
Disconnection: Hiding your true feelings prevents people from connecting with the real you. And we become disconnected from ourselves. Fatigue: Constantly monitoring how you are perceived is exhausting. Feeling lonely: Wearing a mask can make you feel extremely lonely, even when you’re surrounded by others.
However, there is good news. These patterns don’t have to be permanent. Just as we learned to mask up, we can also learn to take it off.
How to start unmasking
It is not easy to remove the masking that has been applied over a lifetime. Here are the steps you can take:
1. Recognize masks
The first step is to realize that you are hiding or denying your feelings. Ask yourself:
Am I holding back for fear of being judged? Are you pretending to be fine when you’re not? Am I being honest with myself?
Awareness is the basis of change. And having an authentic relationship with yourself is key to your relationship with the world.
2. Start small
You don’t have to bare your soul to anyone. Start by opening up to one person you trust. Share some of what you’re feeling and notice how accepting someone feels.
3. Challenge the belief that vulnerability is weakness
Being seen for who you are is a strength, not a weakness.
4. Ask for support
Participating in trauma-informed therapy, coaching, or support groups can be transformative in untangling emotional habits that were formed in childhood and carried over throughout life.
5. Rebuild your emotional muscles
Understanding our emotions takes practice. Journaling or exploring physical reactions that are hard to name and understanding your emotional connections can help you reconnect with what’s underneath the mask.
hope for the future
Unmasking will be difficult and will not happen overnight. There are moments when it feels scary, even impossible, to let someone in. And the reality is that not everyone is safe. But the small steps we take toward authenticity are steps toward the connection we’ve always craved.
You don’t have to show all the nasty parts all the time. You don’t need to do anything drastic. Start small. Start by acknowledging your feelings, even if only to yourself. Celebrate yourself, even if it’s just yourself.
Start by trusting one person and sharing part of your story. Then another person, another one. Share the imperfect you, the scared you, the brave you, the real you. Taking small steps will deepen your relationship and make you more trusting.
And keep reminding yourself that you don’t have to “earn” love by presenting a mask. Whether it’s “healthy” or “strong.” You are worthy of love. Not because of it, not in spite of it. You are exactly right.