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You are having trouble making decisions. Is it time to stick with your current agent, take that out-of-state job a headhunter found for you, or finally consider moving your elderly mother into a nursing home?
Life is about making decisions, sometimes the little things like what to wear to work or what to eat for dinner, but also the next step in a relationship, the next job, how to take care of a loved one. There are also important things like. But if you’re on the fence, perhaps this is the place to decide. why:
You have mixed emotions. While there’s a lot to love about the person you’re dating, there are also other less-than-attractive qualities. This job seems like a perfect match, but it means living far away from family and friends. Your mom still has good days and bad days, and the idea of ​​her moving seems overwhelming to you and probably unacceptable to her.
You are sorting out what you should do and what you want. The person you’re dating is clearly into you, and abruptly ending the relationship seems wrong. The job is logically a big step up in your career, but you’re not sure if it’s what you really want to do. You don’t want your children to move you to an assisted living facility, so why move their mother?
This means distinguishing between “what you should do” and “what you want to do.” “Shoulds” are often societal or family rules that you inherited, creating feelings of guilt if you don’t follow them. Values ​​are things that you decide for yourself as an adult and are your own code of conduct for how you live your life. The challenge in difficult times is to sort out which is which.
you are afraid of making mistakes. You will regret breaking up. You will regret taking the job. You helped place your mother in assisted care and you regret it.
Mistakes are only mistakes based on what will happen in the future, a future that you have no control over. The best you can do is always the best you can do at the moment. Obsessing in advance about the right decision will keep you stuck.
So how do you get out of this mental quagmire?Here are six suggestions.
1. Set priorities.
What are you looking for in a partner, a job, or caring for your mother? You want someone with a positive outlook on life. I don’t want to lose contact with my family. You want to make sure your mother doesn’t have to continue to struggle with daily tasks alone. Once you understand what’s at the top of the list, the other questions will fall into place.
2. See if the deal-breaking issue can be resolved.
Even if it’s clear what’s important, there are obstacles to overcome. I’m grateful for my partner’s positive attitude, but I’m worried that we don’t have much in common, that we’ll lose our connection if we separate, and that I’m worried about what will happen with my mother. There will be a difficult transition and even more struggle.
Time to resolve obstacles. Discuss concerns about common interests and steps you can take to spend more time together. I realized that I could schedule home visits and have Zoom chats with family and friends to stay in touch. You contact the facility to find out if a new visitor experience can help the mother integrate into the community.
3. Get advice.
You don’t have to do this alone. When you have to make a big decision, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed or narrow-minded, neither of which are good. It’s good to get an outside perspective from friends, family, and experts for a reality check. What they suggest may not be the best advice, but their ideas will help you get out of your head.
4. Brainstorm and incubate.
If you’re too overwhelmed to think about your priorities and obstacles, try brainstorming. Here you can make a list of pros and cons, or put your feet up on your desk and imagine yourself walking down different ideal paths, stirring the mental pot. Then, when you feel better, let it go and take a break, sleep, or just not deal with it for a few days.
Now, your unconscious mind, the creative part of your brain, takes over and does the work. See what emerges.
5. Make decisions carefully, but have a plan B.
You break up and regret it a little, but realize you’ve learned a lot about what to look for next. You take the job with a one-year commitment, but you realize that regular Zoom meetings and homecoming aren’t enough, so you go home and start looking for something. The facility you were considering for your mother is too expensive, so it’s time to consider a second choice or home care. It’s time to regroup. Return to priorities. Don’t confuse means with ends.
6. See where you’re stuck. Let’s learn the lesson.
This may be the most important tip of all. If you have trouble making decisions, find yourself making decisions too impulsively, or feel like you’re prone to making decisions you regret, think about what’s getting in your way. Please. Living can be divided into content and process. The actual situation is the content, and how you react is the process. The issues and decisions you are currently facing will be moving objects throughout your life, now with your partner and work, and later with your children and parents. However, the processes and patterns tend to remain the same.
If you’re having trouble making decisions, it may be time to discover what’s blocking your ability to make decisions. What do these situations teach us about how we make decisions? What lessons do they teach us to better manage our lives so that we don’t get overwhelmed, anxious, or regretful? Will it give? Perhaps it’s time to sort it out. Look for self-help books or talk to a therapist for even a few sessions.
Life is about making decisions, and the challenge is to make the decisions that are best for you.
To find a therapist, visit Psychology Today’s therapy directory.